Pappa wants mamma naked
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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