I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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