i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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