The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
someone owes me an orgasm
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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