Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
