You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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