I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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