My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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