SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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