That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
