Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
