Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
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