Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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