11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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