Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
