a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize