I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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