you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I just blew my weed a kiss
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Randomize
