I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Randomize
