I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
