In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
