you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
He passed out mid-signature
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
