Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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