everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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