I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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