At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
