I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
