Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
