I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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