I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize