I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
