my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
