I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i drank out of a bidet.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
