Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
