im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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