I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
