Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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