tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
