Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
