WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Randomize
