I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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