I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
