so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
