After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
