he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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