Is it because I queefed?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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