we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
