Even the bartender felt bad for me
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
