I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
