Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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