drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
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