i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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