I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Randomize
