how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
