I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
