OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
i've created a new STD.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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