I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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