My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
