guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize